Without a doubt my imagination has been running wild lately.
Started with a dream about paths involving a rabbit and hash marks on the road. It was ok for me to leave because the rabbit had his paths to run and markers at 17 and 20 or 27. The paths were getting messed up by another animal and the rabbit was going back to make his hash marks again.
I was pushing on small doors on a larger door. It was a door that you would expect to lead to a palace or castle. It was big, brown, and had lots of carvings in the overall design of the door. It was similar to the doors of the church at Fatima. The smaller doors I was pushing on reminded me of
Something inside said there is unfinished in regards to WYD 2011. I’m dreaming about the team pretty constantly, but for the most part the dreams seem low key. Very vage and not at all specific. I don’t know why I haven’t actually sat down to reflect or write about the experience. There are so many feelings which never saw the light of day. Maybe that’s what I need to do. Read through my journal and finish up the lost thoughts before they are lost forever.
Even after the spring quarter ended I was left with an empty feeling. The new friendship I had made wasn’t really living up to what I had expected. My newly found free time felt like more of a void I was compelled to fill, but had no real means of filling it. I was physically recovering by sleeping more, but I wasn’t emotionally or mentally recovering.
After spending a good 2 weeks on my island I was finally able to come off it and come back to life.
First was Helvin’s ‘Mix for Japan’ event where I was able to reconnect with Toni, Helvin and even Angela and Janelle. At the event I even met Leo a really cool guy who works for the Japanese station based in Torrence. During dinner after the event I was finally able to vent my frustrations with the adult leaders at church. I felt validated when Toni agreed when I said “I’m tired and stressed” it should have been enough for me ‘friends’ to understand I didn’t want to talk and that they should just back off. Regardless I was able to vent and move closer to healing.
After that I was able to finally head home and spent time with one of my best friends Stephanie. We didn’t even talk much, but just being around her and her family made me feel normal and at home.
Next was my short 2 day trip to Vegas. I was able to catch up with my other best friend Aaron. We checked in with each other and were able to spend time together without other people butting in or frustrating me. To make things even better I got to finally meet WezaBeza and Anna stopped by unexpectedly on her way home for a couple of days from Colorado Springs. She’s a wild child now, but provides much joy in life. Her simply go in and on places which wouldn’t normally be allowed provided much joy for us all.
Once home I had to deal with ‘volunteer’ duties, which was exactly what I expected. The only good thing that came of this was my decision to say screw it. I’m going out and having fun with my best friend. Which turned out to the most epic LA adventure I’d ever had.
Toni, invited myself and others to the David Ryan Harris concert in LA. I wasn’t sure I wanted to or would even attend. But after being “scolded” I felt the need to just get away. We ended up riding with her best friend Diana and other friend. We went to Bottega Louie for dinner where they have some really good desserts, but we didn’t stay long enough to have any because shortly after our dinners were served we were asked to evacuate the building because there was a bomb threat down the street. Upon leaving Bottega Louie we headed to the nightclub/cafe to meet up with the Famandez family. I was relaxed enough to actually have fun with them and get to know Ro’s cousins better. They are wonderful people period. During the concert we spotted Taye Diggs in the crowd and some of the people in our group even got a picture with him after the concert ended. Afterwards the two groups parted way. They went to get a late dinner and we went to get desserts. We ended up in Milk where we all got ice cream plus other things. Overall a pretty wonderful night full of scares, laughs, and simple bonding.
Saturday was sent attend masses. Thankfully only 2 on Saturday and 2 more on Sunday. Sunday was pretty exciting too because Marc Andre was baptized. We (Toni and I) were able to spend time with the famandez family again. We ate Filipino food (which I had been craving for months), play games, and just get to know ever much better. After 2 more masses at Holy Family I had the option to go to Disneyland, but I just didn’t care to be around people who don’t actually appreciate or understand me anymore.
Monday I was able to be on campus for the first time in over 3 weeks. I didn’t really see anyone I wanted to, but it still felt good to have the opportunity to learn again. Tuesday was a pretty dreadful day at work, but a simple text message from Sean lifted my spirits and made things better. He said to me “Thank you for being awesome <3 I just thought about you and smiled.” That’s all it took and all the bad crap was erased and I was energized enough to finish the day and meet up with RJ for KBBQ.
Dinner with RJ was extremely good for me. I was able to vent my frustrations but also get some really good advice. He really put things in perspective for me. Said when you compare all the little things that get you down from day to day to the worst thing you’ve ever faced in life you’ll easily discover you can brush them off and move on with life. It was basically a “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” speech but it really spoke to me. I became so focus about this one person who I thought could mean something in my life that it was dragging me down, but really when it was compared to losing the thing I loved most in this world…it was really meaningless and not worth the worry and time I had invested into it. He also encouraged me to talk to the leaders and make my feelings known and understood so that I can go to Spain weightless and happier.
Today I was able to go to school and once again granted permission to sit in on a course at school. I got to see my most adored art friends. They made me laugh until my stomach hurt. Even he was there, but I fought all urges to pay attention to him. I stayed near the friends who actually care about me and appreciate my presence. I was even touched when one friend asked for my opinion on her work. It made me like I had value and what I thought had value. As if I know what I’m doing and others can see what I’m doing. It was indeed flattering and nice to feel needed. I was even able to bring myself leave ‘early’ and resist lingering in hopes of contact with him. I know it’s silly I have to control myself and fight how I feel, but sometimes it’s the only way to get over things of this nature.
In the end I have my closest and dearest friends to thank for bringing me back to life. For helping me feel normal and whole again. For bringing joy and laughter into my life. Thank you God for blessing me with such wonderful people. For allowing me to see you in them. Life can get sticky and difficult at times, but in the end moments like these make it all worth it. PTL!
My day felt like it was going along ok, then I called my sister and came home to another mess made by Riley. I feel so drained of my energy. I wish I could channel all this negative energy into something beautiful. I wish I could just stop complaining and do more. I wish I had a clone of myself that could be home with Riley. I wish I took advantage of my time not working better. I wish a lot of things, but most importantly I wish I took better care of myself and my pet. By that I wish I ate better, I wish I didn’t smoke anymore. I wish I could give Riley what he needs to be a happy dog that doesn’t tear apart my things and my home. I need to take Abby’s advice and just breathe. I should have used the Tridum to admire Jesus and the breathe of life. I can’t help but feel defeated in every way and in everything I do :(
Every day there are hundreds of thoughts that flow through my mind. I wish I could write them all down. I keep telling myself I need to carry more notebooks and sketchbooks with me so I can write things down. Even when I write them down do I ever look back at them. I think I feel the need to write things down because there is no one to share my stories with. Bleh
Today at work I had a very Deja Vu moment at lunch. I was getting up to turn off the TV and miliseconds before the events played out I saw them happening in my head. A dream of being in a strange office came to mind. The conversation which followed played in my mind.
“Are you watching this?” - Me
shakes of head “No” - Nick
“Not a House fan?” - Me
“I am. I’m just on my phone. I’m a House fan in my own house.” - Nick
As I walked away I felt like I was in a dream watching this happen from outside my body.
Grey’s Anatomy was a special ‘Glee’ version. I watched it as I ate and did little errands around the apt before having to head out again. I cried more than I should have. I think emotions are bottling up inside again and are ready to burst forth.
I met up with Steve for Sushi at ‘Fish in a Bottle’. I was nervous at first not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if he would make a move on me. When he started to drink I got even more nervous. As the night played out it actually ended well. We were able to talk about small details of our lives. We compared Programming and Graphic Design. It was nice. As always Steve left me with lots of things to ponder and lots of things I want to look up, watch, and read.
Upon coming home I cleaned the kitchen and washed all the oranges mom gave me. I tried to do design work, but it just didn’t happen. After working on the computer for 8 hrs it’s hard to do more work after. How will I make it through school this way? Grrr.
As of recently I’ve been driving a lot! This increases my fears of getting into an accident. I try super hard to be alert and careful.
While I drive I can’t help but think. It’s me time. I reflect on all recent events which usually lead me to thoughts about the past. I think of clever remarks which I should have and could have said. But mostly I just ponder life.
Wednesday I was thrilled because Tuesday night celebration with Type 3 was beyond amazing. Sitting at the end of the table looking at all the new faces which have blessed my life so for the last 11 weeks was pretty amazing. I couldn’t but help smile and be filled with warmth. In that moment I thank God for everything he has given me for putting me on this path of change and growth. I want these people in my life forever. The thought of Linda and Emily creating a design firm for us to all work at thrilled me to no end. The reality is far fetched, but in that moment it felt nice to dream the dream.
By nature I’m a negative person, but I try to find the positives where I can and I savor this for as long as I can. Sometimes the less you say the better, I need to remember this more and stop saying certain things. Agree to disagree and walk away. I have theories about everyone and everyone, but not everyone needs to know my theories. As an introvert those are the ideas I should keep inside. I should transform my negative feelings into works of art. Maybe I’d be a whole lot more brilliant if I did that.
Here’s to happy thoughts and transformations of not so happy thoughts.
Sometimes I wish I had a USB plug-in which would allow me to download all of my thoughts into a safe place. So many thoughts are running through my head tonight. The 20 mins drive home was a much welcomed peaceful and contemplative evening. good peaceful thoughts
steave sharing his story. getting ‘my’ lucky penny back. connecting to everything. hyper sensitive.
reflection on each project as they are completed
“When they stop diddling little boys I’ll stop eating meat” - Hanson
End my portfolio with a thank you letter to steave
Ask Fernando why he doesn’t teach advertising
JC - can’t ‘save’ those who don’t want to be saved. ‘religion’ is was hurt the OP. You will not break that barrier down no matter how much you want to. respect other people and their beliefs. Not everyone is going to think the way you do simply because you want them to. respect.
Grown a lot as a designer and a person this quarter. 1 year in and totally in love with everything I do.
Not even sure where to start. Retreat was amazing or at least that’s what I feel like I should be saying. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve even been to a retreat so yes it was nice to be back in the groove of things, but at the same time I feel so out of it.
I was so worried about everything go well, that I barely ever sat back to enjoy it.
The moments that stood out to me were RJ’s talk and being able to really know his story. I was impressed with how the younger in-betweenies stepped up to the plate and really answered the call to the mission to serve.
Matt ended up leading worship. Adrian ended up sharing. Skit team pulled together a wonderful backpack rock skit.
Adoration and Mass was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I wish I could have enjoyed adoration more instead of being on tissue patrol. However, it does touch my heart to know the youth were able to lift up their struggles to the lord and share their pain with their peers.
Regrets. I wish I would have spent more time talking to the youth one on one and actually listening to them and getting to know them. Behind the scenes is just not all it’s cracked up to be. Next year’s goal…get to REALLY know 2 of the youth.
Inspired by http://www.sabbathmanifesto.org/
1. Finish reading at least one book each month. That’s only 12 books a year. That’s manageable right?
2. Take a walk in the park with Riley at least 2 days a week. With 5 days off straight from class this quarter that has to be doable.
3. Prayer time/rosary/adoration 3 times a week. Within this Adoration once a month.
4. Meditate 15 mins a day.
5. Work out 3 times a week.
6. Cook 2 times a week
7. Fast food only 4 times or less a month. That’s once a week. It’s a start.
8. Call home once a week.
9. Go home once a month.
10. Thing a day or picture a day
11. Read 20 mins a day - article, book, or informational blog
12. Sabbath - No Facebook or email on Saturdays. Limited computer (only for school/work) and TV time.
13. Go through a single tutorial a week. Learn a new skill for Graphic Design
